Many times when I think about my experiences living abroad as a whole there is one component that I keep coming back to. When I catch up on other ex-pat blogs I often see reports of get-togethers with other ex-pats. They aren’t always from the same country, but these people share an experience in common. They are in a new place, experiencing new things.
This is what happens when you move to a smaller city. I’ve often been overwhelmed with feelings of isolation. There are no occasional dinners with other ex-pats or coffee dates to laugh and talk about frustrations and compare differences. This goes on between my husband and me, but rarely leaves our apartment.
From time to time he has coworkers who visit and it is nice to go out to dinner, but that is different because they are just visiting, not living here. I have some great new friends here who have spent time abroad, but still not exactly the same thing. There were younger ex-pats in my Portuguese classes, but with most of them being in high school, the age difference put us in two completely different worlds.
There are two sides to these kinds of situation. I didn’t take part in an ex-pat experience with this high on my priority list. In fact, it didn’t even cross my mind. There have also been many times when I have viewed it as a good thing. I wanted a true experience without the temptation to rely on too many other people. Boy, did I get that for sure.
Many people would agree with the above view. I’ve read accounts of people who avoid ex-pat gatherings and clubs because they feel it deters them from getting engrossed in the culture. It is viewed as a barrier for some.
I can see this view point and have agreed with it many times, but it becomes a completely different story when you don’t have access to these types of things. There aren’t people here meeting for dinner every week to chat or groups to join. Maybe they exist, but I certainly haven’t come across them.
My husband and I have both commented more than once that while we wouldn’t want it to decrease the authenticity of this experience, it would be so nice to go out with a group, meet new people and vent about our similar frustrations.
I’ve come to recognize that for many there are two parts to an ex-pat experience – taking in a new culture and also meeting other ex-pats. Over time, I’ve realized that the later is something that I am missing out on.
Things are the way they are for a reason. I have no doubts about that and perhaps I’m better for it. However, I can’t deny the fact that I am a little envious of all the things I witness via other blogs. I will have to say that a part of me has found comfort through reading and shared comments on the web. For that I am thankful.
I can’t even comprehend what ex-pat life would be like with out the Internet.
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13 comments:
Lori,
My experience living in Brazil has gone through different phases, and I would say I am in a "want to be with ex-pats" phase. When I was an exchange student, I hung out with the rest of the group, but took a lot of pride in my Brazilian friendships. Since then and until moving here permanently, my trips to Brazil were for research and I had almost exclusive Brazilian contacts, with the occasional other US researcher thrown in. I did not really seek out ex-pats in Rio and even when teaching English with some, hung out with the Brazilians (I guess this was more of my "must assimulate" phase). Since moving to BH I have a smaller social circle in general and I find myself wanting contact with people from my own country. It may have something to do with being more secure about "fitting in" and I am sure having a kid really made me want to connect more with English, the US, etc. I also realize after going over a year without going to the US, how important that connection really is for me. I have really enjoyed reading about yours and other ex-pat experiences and getting to meet some of the ex-pats I read on-line. It brings back a lot of the difficulties of adjustment that I just sort of take for granted now. Eventhough the contact is virtual, feel free to "ex-pat connect" with me anytime!
I had actually wondered a lot about how different it was for you living in maringa...most of the other blogs I read from brazil are from bigger cities! I worry about this a lot if I need to move to Ipatinga with Sidnei because I know it is smaller and I haven't run across anyone who lives there that is an expat...not to say there aren't any, i just don't know about them. I can imagine it must be an isolated feeling, but I agree with you! Thank goodness for the internet!!
Maybe when you are out in your travels and know you are going to a city with expats you could plan to meet up? Not the same as having them close by, but it couldn't hurt! :)
The isolation is a huge fear of mine, especially not konwing the language and I appreciate your honesty and candor in this post!
Hello, If I´m not wrong, this picture is from Parque Barigui, in Curitiba. And I used to leave close... Joaquim Inacio Taborda Ribas....
About the shoes... yes, they used to do exactly like this... and some times we only want to prove it, no buy. I hope you have a nice time there, and you can find really good Brazilians friends.
My blog is www.nosaquinasuecia.blogspot.com
corinne - Thanks for your thoughtful response. I appreciate it! It is interesting to hear your experiences and seeing how you recognize phases.
Stephanie - Thanks for the thoughtful ideas. I should probably do that. A small town has both good and bad points for sure.
Luciana - Thanks for stopping by with your comment. Some of the pictures in previous posts are of Parque Barigui. The main pic in my blog is of Maringa. Thanks for sharing your blog.
Isnt there any mormon church in Maringá (or Londrina)? You can always find some american expats in mormon churches.
even not being a mormon, you still have much in common.
im not kidding, there are many mormon missionaires in Brazil.
just a question... how do you know there are expats in your city unless you accidentaly cross by them and get to know them?
I was really lucky to find some ex-pat friends right around the time that I would have started to feel a bit lonely otherwise. I would never want to only hang out with other gringos - and while studying abroad made sure to spend time with my host brother and sister's friends as well as Rodolfo's friends so that I actually made Chilean friends - but other ex-pats are a great support system. Those Chilean friends I first met 3 years ago are people I still see frequently, but they'll never be able to share a joke about something from my childhood or understand the struggles that I face here sometimes. I feel lucky to have that balance.
And like you said, even with real life gringo friends I value the people I "know" over the internet! It really drives home the point that some struggles are pretty generic to the ex-pat experience wherever you are. Looking forward to your eventual Chile visit, we'll have a big ex-pat get together waiting for you!
Although not all my friends in Prague were expats, I did have a great group of expat friends where you could have the occasional venting session about Czech bureaucracy or resource session on where to find spices, etc. I completely understand the sentiment of wanting a balance in local and expat friends and wanting the occasional vent to someone other than your husband!!
aces - Thanks for the tips. Not really sure how to answer your question.
emily - Thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm so glad you were able to find the best of both worlds. It speaks highly of your wanting an authentic experience as an exchange student to seek out friendships with Chileans. I love reading your experiences there and I am looking forward to that get-together!!
audrey - We were in Prague this summer and visited the Letensky (sp?) beer garden. It seemed there were so many ex-pats there. If felt like the opposite end of the spectrum. Ha, ha! Glad you had the best of both situations there.
I saw on Twitter you all are in Budapest. We were there this summer too. I love their central market place!
I don't think any one experience can be labeled as more or less authentic than another. As a foreigner you are never going to live a life 100% the way the people in your adopted country do. That's just a fact of the matter. All your friendships can be people who are native to your adopted country but that still doesn't make you a native. When I was here in high school I didn't speak one word of English the entire time or even SEE another gringo. Does that mean my experience then was anymore authentic than the experience I'm having now that I mix with other gringas? I don't really think so. My head my be always living in the Chileanized world, but I process things based off of my previous experiences and life, most of which was gringo. Of course, making an effort to absorb a culture as fully as possible is never a bad thing, that's not what I'm saying. But, I married a Chilean, I live here, I interact in the Chilean world on a day to day basis. I literally could not be any more Chilean-ized if I tried. Having gringa friends doesn't take away from that or make my life in Chile less authentic.
That said, I've only started making expat friends over the past year (I've been here for 3.5 years now) and I feel like they've really enhanced my experience. They notice things about Chilean culture that I haven't, they challenge my ideas, share and empathize with me and in general make my life a happier place. :) I would definitely miss them if I were in your situation.
Thanks, Kyle. Really enjoyed reading your perspective on this!
Lori: my question is the problem. There may very well exist other american expats in Maringá, cant it? You just dont know each other exists!
After all, Maringá sometimes feel small, but it has like 300 thousand people.
Have you tried finding expats (maybe there are some nearby, if not exactly in Maringá) at www.gringoes.com forums?
Thanks for the clarification and the advice. I do know there are other gringos in Maringa. The purpose of the post is really just a reflection of the differences between my experiences and those of others thus far. It really isn't a problem to be solved. Really just accounts of my daily life and thinking.
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